well most of my day revolves around power hour
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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