I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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