Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
