Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
