You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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