Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
