well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
