I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The uberlube is also flammable
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
