Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
