It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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