I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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