I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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