Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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