I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
