I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
