God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
