Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
