Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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