I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
