i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
