You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The air was thick with penises
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
