Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
