the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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