On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
