There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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