I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
