So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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