i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
