morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
