Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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