You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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