he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
