I think I won the penis lottery.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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