shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
