Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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