Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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