I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
