then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
