Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
