Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
