I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
