They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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