i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
