i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
