Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
