Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize