i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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