My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Let's paint friendship bongs
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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