Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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