There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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