did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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