Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize