Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
