just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
