i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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