Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
