this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
