chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
