The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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