my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
