i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
