I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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