people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
