I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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