i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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