physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize