Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
