he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I wish there were birth control emojis
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
