So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Randomize
